Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Today is my first doctor appointment since Chris (the hubby) and I decided to continue actively trying to conceive. There is so much that is going through my head at this point it is hard to keep it all straight and to keep a lid on my emotions about it. Yesterday I had a break-down of sorts and the day seemed to have gotten away from me. I was having a PCOS mood swing induced panic attack. At least that is what I call it. Those of you with PCOS can surely understand where I am coming from. It is like I, my well-balanced calm and level headed person, is hovering outside of my physical body watching what is going on in disgust and amazement. Not two hours before the incident I was fine, happy, productive; then bam I am a completely different person. At least my husband can see it happening by now, and realizes that it isn’t me. I know that might sound overly dramatic but when you are in the moment that is what it feels like; and when I look back on it I am embarrassed and ashamed.
During the incident I broke down. I was crying and pretty much rambling incoherently about hating PCOS and how much it affected my everyday life, hating infertility and the internal pain it causes, and hating the emotions that came with it all (jealousy, shame, embarrassment, hate, etc.). By the end of my rant I took a breath and somehow the underlying reason that triggered the whole ordeal just came out. Tears running down my face I told Chris I was worried and scared about my upcoming doctor appointment. He asked me why and said “you’ve got this” (his pep-talk go-to phrase) which somehow always makes me feel better.
The truth is there are so many reasons that this doctor appointment gives me major anxiety. First I hate doctors; not the person but the position. I think it stems from the fact that I didn’t go a lot as a kid unless there was something major going on. Like my eye surgery in the 2nd or 3rd grade. So I think I tend to associate them with the negative. There is also the factor of knowing this is the beginning of more fertility drugs and the side effects that come along with them. I am pretty sure, if not positive, that I will be put back on Metformin. This medication is horrible to me. *TMI moment coming* It takes a toll on my whole digestive system. Some of the side effects that I experience are; horrid gas pains, gas, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea. I can’t keep pretty much anything down accept broth and water for pretty much the first few weeks. My husband hates it because he says I look ghost white pale and can hardly get out of bed unless it is to run to the restroom. I have tried everything to make this work for me; things like eating then taking it and vice versa, as well as not eating any carbohydrates, and taking it with milk to coat the stomach. Nothing worked. So I know that if given this medication I will take it because if will bring a baby into my life the suffering will be completely and totally worth it.
There is also the fact that the doctor could possible tell us that there are other things besides my PCOS that could be causing the infertility issues as well. The unknown aspects make me worry. I don’t want to be told that the chances are lower than I expect or that there is no chance at all for us to conceive. That is what it all comes down to. I know there is that chance. I know the reality of it. I just don’t want the doctor to say it. The last thing that I am nervous about is that I have to go to this first appointment on my own. This is partly by choice and partly because Chris couldn’t get out of work today to go with me. Our doctor isn’t local. Over all I think that my major anxiety about the appointment stems from all the things I know are coming because of it, and all the things that are unknown. I do know that no matter what comes from all of this I have a husband who has been nothing but supportive toward me. He is going through all of the disappointment with me but he is always focused on protecting me and supporting me. I love him for being there for me!
Well that is all I have for today. I will be sure to update you all about how the appointment goes and which course of treatment is decided upon. This is the beginning of, hopefully, the making of our miracle. Comments are always welcome in the comment section down below but for now…