Major Anxiety
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Today is my first doctor appointment since Chris (the hubby)
and I decided to continue actively trying to conceive. There is so much that is
going through my head at this point it is hard to keep it all straight and to
keep a lid on my emotions about it. Yesterday I had a break-down of sorts and
the day seemed to have gotten away from me. I was having a PCOS mood swing
induced panic attack. At least that is what I call it. Those of you with PCOS
can surely understand where I am coming from. It is like I, my well-balanced calm
and level headed person, is hovering outside of my physical body watching what
is going on in disgust and amazement. Not two hours before the incident I was
fine, happy, productive; then bam I am a completely different person. At least my
husband can see it happening by now, and realizes that it isn’t me. I know that
might sound overly dramatic but when you are in the moment that is what it
feels like; and when I look back on it I am embarrassed and ashamed.
During the incident I broke down. I was crying and pretty
much rambling incoherently about hating PCOS and how much it affected my
everyday life, hating infertility and the internal pain it causes, and hating
the emotions that came with it all (jealousy, shame, embarrassment, hate, etc.).
By the end of my rant I took a breath and somehow the underlying reason that
triggered the whole ordeal just came out. Tears running down my face I told
Chris I was worried and scared about my upcoming doctor appointment. He asked
me why and said “you’ve got this” (his pep-talk go-to phrase) which somehow
always makes me feel better.
The truth is there are so many reasons that this doctor
appointment gives me major anxiety. First I hate doctors; not the person but
the position. I think it stems from the fact that I didn’t go a lot as a kid
unless there was something major going on. Like my eye surgery in the 2nd
or 3rd grade. So I think I tend to associate them with the negative.
There is also the factor of knowing this is the beginning of more fertility
drugs and the side effects that come along with them. I am pretty sure, if not
positive, that I will be put back on Metformin. This medication is horrible to
me. *TMI moment coming* It takes a toll on my whole digestive system. Some of
the side effects that I experience are; horrid gas pains, gas, nausea,
vomiting, diarrhea. I can’t keep pretty much anything down accept broth and
water for pretty much the first few weeks. My husband hates it because he says I look
ghost white pale and can hardly get out of bed unless it is to run to the
restroom. I have tried everything to make this work for me; things like eating
then taking it and vice versa, as well as not eating any carbohydrates, and
taking it with milk to coat the stomach. Nothing worked. So I know that if given this medication I
will take it because if will bring a baby into my life the suffering will be
completely and totally worth it.
There is also the fact that the doctor could possible tell
us that there are other things besides my PCOS that could be causing the
infertility issues as well. The unknown aspects make me worry. I don’t want to
be told that the chances are lower than I expect or that there is no chance at
all for us to conceive. That is what it all comes down to. I know there is that
chance. I know the reality of it. I just don’t want the doctor to say it. The
last thing that I am nervous about is that I have to go to this first
appointment on my own. This is partly by choice and partly because Chris
couldn’t get out of work today to go with me. Our doctor isn’t local. Over all
I think that my major anxiety about the appointment stems from all the things I
know are coming because of it, and all the things that are unknown. I do know
that no matter what comes from all of this I have a husband who has been
nothing but supportive toward me. He is going through all of the disappointment
with me but he is always focused on protecting me and supporting me. I love him
for being there for me!
Well that is all I have for today. I will be
sure to update you all about how the appointment goes and which course of
treatment is decided upon. This is the beginning of, hopefully, the making of
our miracle. Comments are always welcome in the comment section down below but
for now…
Anxiety is my middle name so I completely get what you are going through! I remember the first time I talked to my doctor about the issues we were having and that I thought maybe we needed medical help to conceive. I was so afraid he was going to lecture me on my weight, tell me there was no hope, etc...just a lot of stuff running through my mind. I hear Metformin is a beast so I hope maybe they can find something else that works! This whole journey is an emotional roller coaster, but it sounds like you have a wonderful husband by your side. I can't wait to hear how it went!
ReplyDeleteI hope the appt went well! I too get major anxiety before any appointment, its terrible!
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