The Return

The Return

Sunday, January 22, 2017

First off, I just want to say that I have no idea why in the world I stopped posting my blogs on here. From the start writing my thoughts, emotions, concerns and fears down for this blog has been very therapeutic for me. I would like to continue with this “therapy” and what better time than the start of a new chapter in the TTC novel my husband and I have been living the last 4 plus years. So, this post will serve as a catch up on our journey.

The last time we talked it was March 2015, so we are currently almost two years later and not much has changed but at the same time a lot has changed. Let me explain. The thing that hasn’t changed; the hubby and I still have not been blessed with a child and we took a long hiatus because of many personal issues. However, we are currently trying but haven’t seen a doctor recently for it yet. My first appointment is tomorrow and some slightly miraculous things have occurred in the last few weeks. But before we get there let me catch you up on our lives.

Since my last post, we have been let go from jobs, then acquired positions at new jobs all while still living in Texas. We were devastated after the loss of my husband job after layoffs happened at his company. However, God works in mysterious ways. This led to my husband’s employment at Lowe’s here in Texas. A small miracle that would later lead to something fantastic (we will get there shortly). While dealing with that we were also dealing with my grandfather and his illness and then passing. To say that this hit me hard would be the biggest understatement ever. Those who know me personally know that I literally grew up next door to my grandparents on a long slightly secluded dirt road in my home town in Florida. I spent my mid to late childhood running barefoot from my house to my grandparents’ house daily seeing my grandfather practically every day. So, the loss of the patriarch of our large family was devastating and extremely hard for me. This even gave way to my deep desire to go home. To move back to my hometown in Florida.

Let us re-visit my husband’s job with the Lowes company. When we visited our hometown for the funeral of my beloved grandfather we discovered something amazing. They were building a brand-new Lowes store! My brain went automatically to the chance he could be transferred when the store opened. I think you can see where this is going! Long story short we now live back home in St. Augustine, Florida where we are currently researching building a new home. We both have fantastic jobs and are extremely happy. Except for a health issue I had during the fall and winter this past year everything is wonderful. What better time to start trying to conceive again? We now live in a place that has wonderful, knowledgeable doctors who specialize in PCOS and we are also in a better place financially. God most definitely works in mysterious ways.

So here we are. Tomorrow is my first appointment with my new doctor who is a Reproductive Endocrinologist and their clinic specializes in PCOS and the issues this brings to fertility. I am hopeful and excited to start this journey with them. My next post will be about other miracles that have happened in the last few weeks. Trust me stay tuned it is exciting. At least I think so! 

Major Anxiety

Major Anxiety

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Today is my first doctor appointment since Chris (the hubby) and I decided to continue actively trying to conceive. There is so much that is going through my head at this point it is hard to keep it all straight and to keep a lid on my emotions about it. Yesterday I had a break-down of sorts and the day seemed to have gotten away from me. I was having a PCOS mood swing induced panic attack. At least that is what I call it. Those of you with PCOS can surely understand where I am coming from. It is like I, my well-balanced calm and level headed person, is hovering outside of my physical body watching what is going on in disgust and amazement. Not two hours before the incident I was fine, happy, productive; then bam I am a completely different person. At least my husband can see it happening by now, and realizes that it isn’t me. I know that might sound overly dramatic but when you are in the moment that is what it feels like; and when I look back on it I am embarrassed and ashamed. 

During the incident I broke down. I was crying and pretty much rambling incoherently about hating PCOS and how much it affected my everyday life, hating infertility and the internal pain it causes, and hating the emotions that came with it all (jealousy, shame, embarrassment, hate, etc.). By the end of my rant I took a breath and somehow the underlying reason that triggered the whole ordeal just came out. Tears running down my face I told Chris I was worried and scared about my upcoming doctor appointment. He asked me why and said “you’ve got this” (his pep-talk go-to phrase) which somehow always makes me feel better.

The truth is there are so many reasons that this doctor appointment gives me major anxiety. First I hate doctors; not the person but the position. I think it stems from the fact that I didn’t go a lot as a kid unless there was something major going on. Like my eye surgery in the 2^nd or 3^rd grade. So I think I tend to associate them with the negative. There is also the factor of knowing this is the beginning of more fertility drugs and the side effects that come along with them. I am pretty sure, if not positive, that I will be put back on Metformin. This medication is horrible to me. *TMI moment coming* It takes a toll on my whole digestive system. Some of the side effects that I experience are; horrid gas pains, gas, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea. I can’t keep pretty much anything down accept broth and water for pretty much the first few weeks.  My husband hates it because he says I look ghost white pale and can hardly get out of bed unless it is to run to the restroom. I have tried everything to make this work for me; things like eating then taking it and vice versa, as well as not eating any carbohydrates, and taking it with milk to coat the stomach. Nothing worked.  So I know that if given this medication I will take it because if will bring a baby into my life the suffering will be completely and totally worth it.

There is also the fact that the doctor could possible tell us that there are other things besides my PCOS that could be causing the infertility issues as well. The unknown aspects make me worry. I don’t want to be told that the chances are lower than I expect or that there is no chance at all for us to conceive. That is what it all comes down to. I know there is that chance. I know the reality of it. I just don’t want the doctor to say it. The last thing that I am nervous about is that I have to go to this first appointment on my own. This is partly by choice and partly because Chris couldn’t get out of work today to go with me. Our doctor isn’t local. Over all I think that my major anxiety about the appointment stems from all the things I know are coming because of it, and all the things that are unknown. I do know that no matter what comes from all of this I have a husband who has been nothing but supportive toward me. He is going through all of the disappointment with me but he is always focused on protecting me and supporting me. I love him for being there for me!

Well that is all I have for today. I will be sure to update you all about how the appointment goes and which course of treatment is decided upon. This is the beginning of, hopefully, the making of our miracle. Comments are always welcome in the comment section down below but for now…

One Year Closer

One year closer to the dreaded 35^th! 

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Today is my birthday. This year, just like last year and the year before, I am not looking forward to it at all. Every birthday celebrated without children seems like a waste. I feel like my life is frozen, except the years keep going by, I keep getting older but my life stays the same. I keep encroaching on that dreaded infertility threshold of being 35 or older. Hell, even Google knows I am getting older.

When did birthdays become a dread? I remember when I was growing up; birthdays were always fun, family events that celebrated me and the family around me. My birthdays consisted of birthday dinner requests, special homemade cakes, family, gifts, and love. One year I received the most wonderful present ever; my little sister Margie was born on March 1^st. I spent my 16^th birthday on my first trip outside of the United States. I was on a school group trip to London, England. I have always loved my birthday. So when did it become something I wish would just never come?

I think the answer to that question is; when I started to realize that my age, and getting older, could become a major factor in whether or not I would ever have a family of my own. It became a factor in whether I would ever get to shower my own child with love on their birthday. For those of you who are curious as to what I am talking about; after women reach the age of 35, or older, it becomes increasingly more difficult for them to conceive and further exacerbates infertility issues. Not to mention that increased age in pregnancy comes with its own set of concerns and issues.

So what do I do? How do I keep myself from slipping into a mood and ruining my birthday for myself? I lean on my husband. Although he is on this journey with me, he tends not to get so upset by the age factor. Let’s face it; men don’t always understand what we go through and our emotions on all the different factors about woman factor infertility. Although my hubby seems to do a wonderful job at helping me stay grounded and he helps me control my doubt. He doesn't like to see me upset and uses humor often to keep my spirits lifted and my hopes high! I really don’t know what I would do without him.

For more information about age and infertility check out these links:

American Society for Reproductive Medicine Fact Sheet: https://www.asrm.org/uploadedFiles/ASRM_Content/Resources/Patient_Resources/Fact_Sheets_and_Info_Booklets/agefertility.pdf

Baby Center UK Article: http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a6155/your-age-and-fertility

New Blogger in the House (2/25/15)

New Blogger in the House

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Where to begin? I guess I will start with a personal introduction and some thoughts about what in the world I was thinking when I decided to start this whole blogging thing.

I’m Courtney, tomorrow is my birthday and I will be 31 years old. I am supremely happily married now for 2 years and 3 months.

We have two fur-babies; Felix and Sandy.

Felix is an adorable and feisty male grey kitty cat. He is a rescue my sister-in-law found in a box on the side of the road. He came to live with us and is now part of the family.

Sandy is a beautiful and loveable 2lb Chiweenie (Chihuahua and Dachshund mix). She was a rescue of sorts as well. She was a gift to me last year for my birthday.

I come from a large family with 3 sister and 2 brothers and I grew up on the east coast of Florida. We now live in east Texas. *Warning TMI ahead* When I was 17 I noticed that my periods had stopped. I had not had one for around 3 or 4 months. My mother was not one you could talk to about these things so I was very nervous to tell her I thought something was wrong. She took me to her OB-GYN. I had never seen an OB-GYN before so they had to do a normal check up on me, and ran some blood tests. She came to the conclusion that she thought I had something called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).

As teenager I didn’t quite know what that meant. As a woman my mother didn’t know what it meant. As a doctor the OB-GYN was new to the syndrome as well. At that point in the syndromes history there were very few things known about it. The only treatment option that was given to me was birth control. Being a Catholic I was very upset by this news. I mean, I wasn’t planning on becoming pregnant anytime soon. I was still a virgin and was going to keep it that way until I was married (at least at that point in my life). But, birth control was very much a no-no in my religion. However it was explained to me that if needed for medical reasons, and not for the prevention of pregnancy, it was perfectly ok.

I was prescribed a medication to induce my period as well as a prescription for birth control. It worked for the time being and I didn’t know any better to be worried about the future of my fertility. I didn’t realize it then but that was the beginning of what would be the hardest road I have yet to travel. I didn’t know it would cause so much pain, doubt, shame, embarrassment, jealousy and so much more.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive (TTC) now for 2 years and 2 months, both actively and through inactivity. Through the course of this blog I will be going into detail about our journey so far and the path that has yet to be traveled. I will be open and honest with the hopes that this becomes therapeutic for me. This is something that is very much out of my comfort zone. To be completely honest it frightens me to death.  However, my hope for this blog is that I can reach others suffering with infertility, even if it is just one person.